Behind the Eyes
by Corinth
Summary: Different people's perspectives about Olivia. EO. Olivia's POV up! Please R and R!
1. Serena Benson

I own nothing.

A/N: Well, by popular demand, here is a POV piece about Olivia. Just a warning, this first chapter is sort of angsty. It deals with child abuse and neglect, so if you think that will upset you, please skip this chapter. Also, I will do my best to update this story every day, just like my others, but since I have finals starting next week, I may miss a few days and update every other day instead. Thanks for your interest in this story!

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Part of me, a larger part than I'd like to admit, will always hate my daughter.

I know it's completely illogical. If one of us has the right to hate the other, it's most definitely her. She didn't choose to be my daughter, she didn't choose to be born, and yet I hate her for both reasons. Sometimes I can't even stand looking at her.

I know it's only because of her efforts that I'm still alive. She saved me from myself over and over again. On the other hand, if I had aborted her, maybe I wouldn't need saving. That's why I can't forgive her.

When I found out I was pregnant, on top of everything else, I wanted to die. I had just finished giving my statement to the police and I was on my way home when I realized that I was about a week late. In all the confusion and stress I hadn't thought about it, but the horrible thought that my rapist left me with more than fear finally crossed my mind.

I bought four pregnancy tests and took them all, just to be sure. Every one came up positive, and every one drove me deeper into depression.

I didn't eat for days. I couldn't believe that there was a baby, half me, half monster, growing in me. It was enough to make me sick to my stomach.

I wanted to get rid of it. Her. But I was too scared to go to a clinic. I didn't want to face the judgment, the stigma. I couldn't stand being branded yet again. Rape victim. Abortionist. One scarlet letter was enough, more than enough.

I tried to do it myself twice, but I wasn't successful. I don't know what I did wrong. It just didn't work. You'd think aborting your own baby, when you don't really give a damn about it, would be simple. You don't need to be a doctor to figure out what to do.

After I couldn't do it, I got drunker than I ever had before. I hear that infants are more likely to have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome if the mother drinks regularly while she is pregnant than if she gets falling-down drunk once or twice. And it's true, or at least it was for Olivia. She was perfectly healthy. Beautiful. I felt like she was mocking me.

I couldn't even name her. The doctors, the nurses…they all asked me what her name was. I hadn't even thought about it. Sick of the question, I finally glanced at my nurse's nametag. It said 'Olivia'. When I told her that was my daughter's name, she looked flattered, but she shouldn't have been. It had nothing to do with her.

So I took Olivia home with me, hardly able to look at her. I drowned myself in alcohol practically from day one of her life, and she never knew me as anything but a drunk.

I remember the first time I hit her. When she cried as a baby, which wasn't often, I would just leave for a few hours. But when she got older, and I started seeing her personality, I saw aspects of her that were not like me. That's when I lost it. She was smart, like me…she loved reading, like me…she could sing, like me…but she was so organized. I have never been like that, and I never will be. I knew it to be a trait from…him…and I couldn't stand it.

When she was five, I found her straightening the kitchen. I lost it, throwing things around, ignoring the terrified look in her eyes. When she bent to get some broken glass off the floor, I slapped her across the face and sent her flying into the ground. She cut her arm on the glass.

I didn't look at her for days after that, or any of the other times. I couldn't bear to see him in her or to face what I had become. I knew I was abusing her, and I knew I was being a horrible mother, but I justified my actions to myself by thinking that I didn't ask for any of it to happen.

Most of her childhood is a blur to me. I remember isolated instances when I hit her, when I left her outside for days, when I screamed at her until I lost my voice. I don't remember when she stopped crying, but she did eventually. She started closing away her emotions. She wouldn't let me see her cry, and I wouldn't let me see her smile. I made that impossible with my actions.

She grew into an intelligent, beautiful woman, and I knew I couldn't take any credit for it. I have to say that I have no idea how she remained so caring and empathetic. And I resent her for that too. I couldn't handle what happened to me, so I turned on her. She doesn't turn on anyone. She's a daily reminder of my rape, but also my weakness.

When she joined the Special Victims Unit, I almost felt like she was doing it to spite me. To show me that she could handle what drove me to the bottle. She said it was because she wanted to protect and fight for people like me. How does she find it in her to care about me? Her job is daily retribution against people like him, because of what he did to me. Where does she get this strength?

I know I was a terrible mother, but I still blame her for it. I won't take full responsibility for it all, even though there is no one to share the blame except for him. And he wasn't even there. Everything I did to her was my fault. I allowed myself to become a shadow of what I used to be, and even with that knowledge now, I can't stop myself from blaming her.

When I look at her, I am filled with resentment and anger but also, finally, thankfully, guilt. I know I don't deserve her.


	2. Brian Cassidy

A/N: Ok, so just to clear something up...Serena's POV is obviously from a long time ago, since she's dead. However, for the rest I'm assuming it's around the eighth season or later because I need Elliot to be divorced so I don't feel guilty writing EO. Thanks for reviewing!

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Leaving SVU was probably the best choice I ever made, but that doesn't stop it from hurting. 

Since I've been with Narcotics, I haven't had a case that depressed me week after week. I haven't cried about a victim, because there aren't really any victims. Just perps. I can handle collaring guys for trafficking or whatever. It's straightforward, and usually there isn't any violence. It's better.

But it's also worse. We don't really care about each other. The detectives, I mean. I looked up to John, Elliot, and Cragen. They were like big brothers, or fathers, or something. I could talk to them about stuff. As much as the job sucked, it could be fun.

With Narcotics, we talk about sports. We gamble. We do guy things.

Being around all these guys every day makes me miss having the girls around. Monique was great, but Olivia was especially awesome. I miss Olivia. I never thought I'd miss her so much. I mean, we didn't really have a relationship.

I wanted one, more than anything. Olivia was perfection as far as I was concerned. She was beautiful, so smart, so good, and so far out of my reach.

It figures that she had to be drunk before she'd sleep with me. It was a dream come true for me, and something I wanted since I met her. The second we got back to my place and I kissed her, I knew that I shouldn't let myself turn it into more than it was. We didn't discuss anything the whole time. We just had sex over and over. But I let myself fall in love with her.

When her beeper went off and woke us up, I was totally thrilled to find her naked in my arms. I didn't want her to go. And the sex was incredible. She made me feel more alive than I ever did before. When she told me not to get used to it, I hoped she was kidding.

I went to the stationhouse later, walking on air. And she blew me off all day. I was an idiot to get my hopes up, and she crushed my heart that day.

Things were never the same after that. I was bitter every time Olivia got dressed up to go out, every time she told Monique about her dates. And I started to hate Elliot. I mean shit, he was married but he still had Olivia falling all over him. I noticed every time she smiled at him and every time she touched his arm.

It got too hard. The cases got to me more and more as time went on. And I couldn't handle just being friends with Olivia. I wanted more, and when I didn't get it, I pushed her away.

My biggest regret is that I left without saying goodbye to her. I was so upset about the vic Cragen had sent me to check up on, and I could hardly tell John that I was leaving. But I didn't say a thing to Olivia. I think the last words I ever said to her face were sarcastic.

I called her that night after working my way through a bottle of gin. I don't remember what I said, but it was probably really hard to understand. All I remember is her telling me she was sorry, and really sounding like she meant it. She called me "Bri" which almost made me lose it.

Part of me wishes I had stayed and tried to work it out with her. Maybe I could have made her love me at least a little. Maybe we could have fixed whatever it was we had.

But maybe I would have just lost more of myself. Every case tore off part of my heart. I would have given all that I had left to Olivia, but I probably wouldn't have gotten anything back. It's not her fault. She didn't _refuse_ to love me; she just didn't. And I let myself get carried away after one night with her. All the same, how can something that meant the world to me mean _nothing_ to her?

So maybe I gave up on the chance of having Olivia, but I doubt it. The possibility of love, the really small possibility, is not worth losing yourself over. I lost my friends, and I lost her, but at least I still have some of my maimed heart left.

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A/N: It was really hard to write Brian because he's not very eloquent (I kept feeling like I was making him sound all proper and British or something, haha)...I hope I did ok! I sort of hate him, like all good EO shippers, but I find myself liking him (or feeling sorry for him) the more episodes from season 1 that I see. Anyway, I hope you liked it! 


	3. Don Cragen

The day Olivia walked into the precinct, I immediately lost my breath. She looked almost exactly like Marge did when we first got married. I felt like I was hallucinating. They both had this exotic feel to them, and something about their eyes…I couldn't believe the similarities. In any case, that's where my feeling of protectiveness toward Olivia originated. I didn't think of her as Marge, not by any means, but I sort of felt like Liv was Marge's daughter, and thereby mine too.

I worried about her from the beginning. I sat her down to interview her and I learned her history- who, or at least what, her father was, and how her mother handled it. Or, more accurately, didn't handle it. Olivia was so incredibly strong as she told me about it all. I saw her potential as a cop, as a confidante for the vics, but I also realized how fine a line she was walking. I could see a case breaking her, crushing her completely, sooner rather than later. That strong exterior couldn't hold up under everything. And it made my heart ache.

To my surprise, she soon became the glue holding the squad together. Some detectives came and went…Brian, Monique, Ken…plus we lost Alex…but the core stayed the same. In fact, it got stronger. John, Fin, Elliot, and Olivia are best friends, closer than family. As much as she would hate to hear it, Olivia is our girl. We all want to protect her, and we're all connected by that feeling. Forever.

I had no idea, all those years ago when I put Elliot and Olivia together, what I was setting in motion. It became clear not long after her arrival, however, that there was something there. I know most of my detectives think Elliot and Liv pulled a fast one of me, keeping their relationship "secret" for so long, but I flatter myself that I figured it out before anyone. Even them.

I forced myself to ignore it, and in this area I was derelict in my duties as their captain. But I love those two. I wanted them to be happy, which isn't easy in this job. And I didn't want either of them to leave. If anyone pulled the wool over my eyes, it was me.

I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm sure that would come as a shock to most people who know me, but it's true. I lost my wife, the woman I loved, and it tore me apart. I started drinking like never before…too much. Way too much. And I saw Elliot's potential to do the same under the same circumstances. I found him in a bar too many times after tough cases not to recognize his weakness. I couldn't let Elliot and Olivia lose each other, even if it meant my ass on the line.

My actions with regard to them sometimes make me doubt my effectiveness as a captain. But they also reaffirm my values, my hope in mankind. Somehow I think that's more important.

I can't believe how long we've all been together now. The same group, with the exception of Casey, for about seven years. We truly are a family, and I can't help but attribute our closeness to Olivia. She brightens the squad room with her smile and her laugh. She helps us all get through.

I hope that Olivia gets what she needs from us. Without the squad, she had no one. She goes home alone. As much as I am aware that it is against the rules, I hope she and Elliot are together for the rest of their lives. I hope she gets the love she never had as a child from all of us. I hope part of her, even a small part, thinks of me as her dad. I can't change who he was, but I can try to be there for her like he should have been.

She has her bad days, and God knows I've yelled at her time and time again…but I never lose sight of how proud I am of her.

I couldn't ask for a better daughter.


	4. John Munch

A/N: Ok, I am so freaking ridiculous. I'm totally supposed to be studying for finals, and yet I just keep writing chapters! What is wrong with me?! My excuse for this one was eating breakfast really slowly...I couldn't possibly study while I was eating, but of course I could write another chapter. Lol. Enjoy!

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Looking back, I can't believe how long I've know Olivia. Almost ten years. It's cliché, but it feels like only yesterday Cragen introduced her to us and we all went out on our first case together. On the other hand, I feel like I've known her for most of my life. I guess that's partly accurate, because I sometimes think my life began, and will eventually end, with SVU.

Ten years. That's the longest I've ever known a woman, discounting relatives. It's longer than I knew any of my wives before I married them, and certainly much longer than any of those marriages lasted. That's arguably pretty pathetic…my only relationship of any longevity...with a woman, that is...is strictly platonic. It's fine, though. I could never think of Olivia in any other way than as a friend or little sister. It's good for me.

It's funny to think back to the days when we weren't all so close. We were a squad, and nothing more. For about a week, that is. We bonded so fast, and now I'd say we're the tightest-knit precinct in New York.

At the beginning though…I can't help laughing at how much more formal we were then. I distinctly remember calling Olivia "Benson." Hell, I remember _Elliot_ calling her "Benson." It sounds so ridiculous now. She quickly became "Olivia" and then just "Liv." Somehow I think that evolution sums it all up better than anything else could.

I'm still "Munch" a lot of the time, but it's different for some reason. Calling me by my last name is sort of a product of familiarity within the one-six. Wrapped up in that single syllable is an unspoken and unacknowledged by ever-present jibe at me for my conspiracy theories and my odd mannerisms. It fits me, but it's hard to explain the significance to outsiders.

In any case, calling her "Benson" would be so ludicrously impersonal. She's Olivia, our Liv, and we all care about her so much.

I often try to pinpoint when we stopped being just a team and became so much more. I think it started, for me, anyway, when Richard White was after Olivia. I got this burning anger in my chest and this need to protect her. I realized that I cared about her, not only as a fellow detective, but as a person.

What really cemented my feelings for Olivia was learning about her father. When Elliot warned me not to mention him, I must admit I wasn't overly concerned. I was cynical about the whole father-daughter angst thing. I figured she just didn't talk to him because he hated one of her boyfriends in high school or something. After going through what I did, having my father kill himself in front of me, I had little sympathy for troubled relationships. I thought mine trumped them all.

I obviously didn't know Olivia that well yet. She would never be so flighty. Elliot's words shook me to my core. It explained so much. I finally understood why Olivia joined SVU, why Cragen and Elliot would watch her so closely during some cases…but what I didn't understand was how she was always so strong. I grew to respect her so much.

I know I overstepped my boundaries, digging into her mother's past and bringing the whole thing up for days on end. I just wanted to help, but the incident still plagues me, wracks me with guilt. It's just that I didn't know how to show her that I cared any other way. Now I would listen to her, or just sit with her, but back then I inadvertently bullied her. I can't forgive myself, even though I know she has.

Basically, I can't even put into words how much I love these guys. We've been through everything, absolutely everything, together. There's nothing good we can count on without each other. There's always another case, and there's always a more horrible crime, but, most importantly, there's always the knowledge that we're all in this together.

I never let anyone see my cry before joining SVU, not even Gwen. Now everyone at the one-six has seen me lose it at one time or another, and I've witnessed the same of them. That's a really powerful thing for all people, but especially for men, and especially for cops. Men aren't supposed to cry. We're supposed to be hard-asses. Cops _really_ aren't supposed to cry. But we all have, and it's acceptable at our stationhouse. There's no way to get through otherwise.

We're a family. We care about each other more than ourselves, and despite the hardships, it's been the best ten years of my life. I'm so lucky to know people like Cragen, Fin, Melinda, Huang, Casey, Elliot, and Olivia. Liv.


	5. Fin Tutuola

I always have this feeling like I can handle tough situations better than other people. I don't think it's a narcissistic thing, even though it sounds like that at first. I don't think I'm better than the other members of the squad. Despite his crazy episodes, I don't think there's a man alive smarter than John. I think Elliot could kick anyone's ass, including, as much as I hate to admit it, mine. It'd be close, though. Cragen is the most trustworthy moral compass I can think of, and Olivia is just the most amazing all-around person I've ever met. So obviously, I don't think I'm better. I know I'm not. And that's why I want to handle the hard stuff by myself. I don't want them to have to deal with it.

I want to protect them, and especially Olivia. It's easy to feel like that since she's the only woman in SVU, and one of the only women I've ever worked with. There aren't a lot of them in narcotics.

I know all men have the choice to respect women or not, but the longer I work for SVU, the more I think that there is no middle ground. You either think of women as your property or you care about them so much that you would die, without question, to save them. I don't know why that distinction is so sharp to me now, but I really think it is. Anyway, I'm one of the guys who would do anything for a woman.

I wish more than anything that Olivia didn't have to see what she does. I wish that for all of us, but with her…she's just too special to have all this shit in her head. I don't want the world to touch her, to change her, but I know it's too late. I just wish I could do something about it.

The problem with this intense love for women is that it can come off as being chauvinistic. Maybe it is, to a certain extent. But it's not that I don't think Olivia can handle the job. Who of us really can? And she's great at it. She can get victims to open up to her when the rest of us are spinning our wheels. She can take down a perp when necessary, and she doesn't lose her cool until the situation is under control and everyone is safe. Then she falls apart, just like the rest of us.

When I first met Olivia, I'm sure my jaw was hanging open. She gets that reaction a lot. It makes Elliot so mad, people looking at her like a piece of ass. And I'm sorry I did it, but seriously, who can help it? Once I got to know her though, her outward beauty took a backseat to her beautiful heart. It sounds ridiculous and like I'm trying to write a pop song, but it's true. I love her, but not romantically. I'm glad she's with Elliot.

My heart breaks for her every time a case really gets to her. Whenever she cries, I want to do something to put that smile back on her face. It makes my day when I succeed. We don't mean to treat her like a princess, and we usually don't, but she's so important to all of us. We'd do anything for her…so if it came down to it, and I was in the position to save her life by dying, I'd do it. And I know she'd do the same for me.

When I went down in that bodega, I was so thankful it was me and not her. That's what I mean about feeling like I can take these things better. Of course, no one really takes being shot in the chest better than anyone else…it doesn't have a whole hell of a lot to do with anything but luck…but I don't want her to suffer. I would rather suffer myself. It's almost selfish, but I want her pain. All of it. Because she's too good for it.

I was mostly out of it, but I remember her trying to stop the blood, talking to me, sounding so scared. I felt a flash of guilt for making her worry about me before I was gone, passed out.

Something changed between us after that. It's a common thing when one partner goes down…you just have this bond. She tried to save me. She got my blood all over her, but she didn't care. It means more than I can put into words, which sucks because it's a powerful feeling. It's a bond everyone should experience, but it might only be possible for cops and firefighters and people like that. Everyone has business partners who mean a lot to them, but it's not at all the same.

This is going to sound crazy, but the best way I can describe the connection is like the one between a couple after seeing their baby for the first time. The whole "we made that, that's us"…it's kind of the same. I know, having experienced both. Things fell apart with my ex-wife, but we're still connected by Ken, because he's ours.

It's just this link that goes beyond words, beyond actions…it's out of this world to know that people care about you enough to risk their lives for you, and that you would do the same. It's why we're family at the one-six.

I respect Olivia so much. She makes mistakes, just like the rest of us, and I sure as hell came down on her after she talked to Ken without calling me first after he got collared, but I know she did what she thought was best. She'd do the exact same thing again, and while I don't agree with her, I admire her assuredness. In this job you have to know, without a doubt, what you think is right and wrong. She does.

I only ended up at SVU because of a series of weird coincidences, but I couldn't be happier that I'm here. The cases are so much harder to deal with than they were in narcotics, and the fact that we're all so close makes it harder sometimes. But having all of them, and having Olivia, makes my priorities in life clearer. I think everyone should have someone they are willing to die for, and because of this job I have seven. My life is worth seven times what it used to be. I'm lucky.


	6. Dana Lewis

A/N: Sorry I haven't updated this in a while! I have two more finals, and then I'm out of here! And then I'll be able to update more. I'm excited; I have ideas of so many perspectives I want to do for this story. Anyway, I hope you like this POV!

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I'm amazed that Olivia and Elliot ended up together after all I've done to sabotage their relationship. It was never my intention, but it seems like I can't get within a foot of either of them without endangering their lives. I guess it comes with the territory of being in the FBI.

When Olivia told me that she and that scrumptious blue-eyed charmer finally got together in spite of my efforts, I had to laugh. I wasn't sure if she meant "got together" in a fit-for-kiddos'-ears way or in the adult way, but either way I was happy for them. You wouldn't believe the fussing I had to listen to on the way to Oregon with Olivia. She was going on about leaving Elliot like you wouldn't believe.

That was when I learned that they were in love. I probably should have guessed, considering Olivia's reaction both the times I almost got Elliot killed. She was madder than a wet hen when he got shot in the courtroom, but she was even worse after we almost got ourselves blown up. She told me I was nothing but trouble, but I didn't get offended. I am trouble, and not much more.

I really did need her in Oregon, though. I know it was completely out of the blue…an SVU detective really has no place trying to mess with terrorists. It's just so hard to get someone undercover successfully, and absolutely everyone was convinced that Olivia was Persephone. It couldn't have worked out better if I planned it.

After Olivia was briefed and we were on our way to Oregon where I would abandon her to the environmentalists, she begged me to let her call Elliot and tell her where she was. I couldn't. I wanted to, but this job has made me a hard-ass. I had to ignore how upset she was because we couldn't risk being found out. I knew Elliot would be mad at her…I know a boy who's prone to fits of angst when I see one…but I knew if he was half as amazing as Olivia claimed, he'd get over it.

I was immediately impressed with Olivia…or immediately after she stopped gushing about that man. That wasn't impressive of her. But it was endearing. Anyway, she was so good at being undercover. I can't believe she'd never done it before. I know she play-acted sometimes to nail perps with SVU, but it's the hardest thing to go undercover for a long time. To be someone you aren't for months, years at a time.

She was fearless. So fearless that Agent Porter called me several times to tell me she had risked her neck again, getting into trouble left and right. And leave it to Olivia Benson to take an entire precinct to task for their unfair treatment of civilians…and win. Now I've seen everything.

I know she was pleased as punch to get out of Oregon after we finally tracked down the terrorists. Of course, in true Olivia fashion, she had to solve a rape case across the country from her turf and make it back in time to save the day at a trial in New York. That ridiculous woman. She makes the rest of us look bad.

I talked to her about the whole thing a few days after she was back with her squad. Then, weeks later, I talked to her again to update her about the terrorist group, just for her interest (thought I know she was absolutely terrified that I was going to ship her back to Oregon), and that's when she told me about what was going on with Elliot. Apparently it all started when he said he'd give her a kidney, and she said she'd give her one of his. And I thought things were crazy down south. Who pledges body parts as proof of their love? Not even in the most stereotypical southern town you can think of does that happen. New York…I'll never understand that place.

She also told me that one of the girls in Oregon told her she was saying "Elliot" in her sleep. She blamed me, jokingly, for making her pine for him the whole time because I wouldn't let her call him. She said it would have been my fault if she blew her cover, but I said it was her fault that she couldn't keep quiet during those dirty dreams of hers. We had a good laugh about the whole thing.

I don't know if I'll ever see Olivia again. I'd like to; I really do appreciate her help. I think Elliot would personally kill me if I took her away from him again, and Olivia might just help him out, but we'll see. She's an amazing detective, and the Lord knows we could use her again…but I don't think I could do that to them, even if I needed to. I'm always undercover. I'm always pretending to be someone I'm not. It doesn't make having friends easy, and I've never seen a more peas-in-a-pod group of detectives than the bunch of them. I don't want to break it up.

I hope it works out for Olivia and Elliot. She deserves to be happy, and so does he, and I know they won't be happy unless they're together…so I won't meddle. Especially after I almost got both of them killed so much. I owe them.


	7. Kathy Stabler

A/N: Hey guys! Sorry for those of you who already tried to read this chapter and realized that I put in Dana again...I named my document differently than I meant to, so I uploaded the wrong one. Thanks for telling me! Here's the real chapter...sorry for the mix-up!

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I didn't dislike Olivia from the day I met her, but it didn't take me long to realize that I had competition for my husband's attention. In fact, I saw that it wouldn't even be a competition. A large piece of his heart was lost to her from the first case they worked together.

I remember that case. It was Olivia's first one with SVU, but Elliot had been there for years already. So you'd think it would have been Olivia who lost it, but the victim was a little girl about Lizzie's age who was, as far as I could tell from Elliot's circumlocution, tortured and raped. He wouldn't say a word to me about it when he came home, even though I could tell he was upset.

He almost cried when Lizzie asked him to pass the bread at dinner. He just stared at her for a few seconds, leaving her looking between the rest of us, wondering what was wrong, before he gave her a roll. He then went around and hugged each of the kids and left the table without a word. The kids are used to his random displays of affection, and they know basically why he acts that way, but that was one of the most extreme incidents in a while.

Anyway, after dinner I was clearing up the kitchen and I heard Elliot's phone ring. I closed my eyes, thinking that he would be called back to work and would come back hours later, angrier than ever. My heart sank, as always, when I heard him say, "Stabler."

I soon realized it wasn't Captain Cragen. I decided it had to be his new partner, a woman I knew nothing about. "How are you holding up?" he asked her. He paused as she responded, and then he sighed. "I'll be alright," he said in the same tone he used with me…his 'I'm not going to talk about it so stop asking' voice. But then the real shock came. I almost dropped the plate I was holding. He actually talked to her.

I don't know what she said to make him open up, but the fact that _anything_ she said could have that effect on him, so soon…I couldn't take it.

"I just…God, this one got to me…. Well, you know I told you I have four kids…the vic reminded me of my youngest daughter." His voice cracked slightly.

I didn't realize I had stopped any pretense of working until I looked at the clock and realized Elliot had been listening in silence for two minutes. He finally said, "Thanks, Olivia. See you tomorrow."

Olivia. The name that came to drive me into panic, the name of the woman I feared taking my place. The name of the woman who did.

After hearing that phone call, I didn't hate _her_. I actually was mad at myself for not being enough for Elliot. I could never comfort him like that. He wouldn't let me. Something about her was different than me…better than me.

I tried to get some information about Olivia out of Elliot that night, but he wouldn't say much. Of course, he didn't know much about her at that point, but I couldn't stop myself from fearing that I was losing him to her. It seems premature of me to be worrying about that after they knew each other less than twenty-four hours, and to this day I don't know if it was paranoia or foresight. Either way, my fear came true.

I didn't meet her for a few months, not until a charity function most of the NYPD was attending. I was immediately struck by how beautiful she was, but even that didn't make me hate her…I am slightly more mature than that. I hated her because of how she acted. She was so kind, and so polite…she told me what an amazing man I was married to, and I agreed with her. She listened to our stories about the kids; she was, all in all, a very pleasant person. But she had this way of touching Elliot's arm, brushing his hand with hers, that made me want to throttle her. I knew she wasn't doing it to spite me…it was completely innocent as far as she was concerned, but I noticed, even if she didn't, the way Elliot's eyes lingered on her.

That night Elliot and I had our first of many fights about Olivia.

Over the years, Olivia would get Elliot to talk to her time and time again when he was completely shutting me out. She took on the role of his wife, at least in the area of emotional support. Sometimes I wondered if they were having an affair, but even that thought wasn't what drove me to leave Elliot.

One night about a year before I left, I came in through the front door after dropping Dickie off at a friend's house. All of the kids were out, and I thought Elliot would be too because he hadn't been home in days. They were working a really tough serial case, and the one time I talked to Elliot on the phone he sounded physically exhausted and mentally on the edge of a breakdown. I was worried about him, and more worried about what I could possibly say to make it better.

I heard a soft voice in the living room…a woman's voice. At first my temper flared and I was prepared to dart in and catch Elliot in the act of cheating on me, but then I realized he was crying. Elliot was crying. He had _never_ let me see him that upset. I'd heard him cry before, but he always pulled himself together the second he realized I was there. He would never let down the wall around me.

It broke my heart to hear him so upset, but what hurt more was realizing that Olivia could give him everything he needed…everything I couldn't.

I glanced through the doorway into the room and saw Olivia sitting on the couch, her arms wrapped around Elliot. He was sobbing into her chest, clutching her arms like they were the only things holding him to life. She was telling him it would be ok, and she kissed the top of his head every few seconds.

I backed away, feeling like I was intruding on them…my husband and his partner, in my house.

Maybe I should have been livid. Mostly I was just broken. I saw that Olivia was who I needed to be, but I couldn't do it. I could never be her, and if I wasn't…I wasn't right for Elliot.

So part of me does hate Olivia for taking my husband away from me, but I know he probably wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for her. She saved his life over and over, and now he's hers to hold and love…maybe she deserves it. I know he deserves it.

I still love him. He's a great man. I just wish I could be the one he needs. But they're perfect together…and it kills me every day.


	8. Kathleen Stabler

A/N: Thanks to MHFever for suggesting this chapter. I hope you all like it! Sorry again about my screw up with the last chapter!

* * *

I blame Olivia for a lot of our family's problems.

I don't know tons about her. All of us know her, I guess…she picked us up and drove us to work to see my dad a few times. She came over for dinner every once in a while. That's what I couldn't stand. She got my dad all day, every day, and then she would be there when he was home too.

Anyway, none of us know for sure what happened to Olivia when she was little...all we know is that she gets really tense whenever someone makes an offhand comment about her mom or dad. So I guess her relationships with them aren't great, but that doesn't mean she has to try and adopt our family as hers.

No one else but me seemed to mind. Maureen loves Olivia, and so do Lizzie and Dickie. They're glad she's my dad's partner, and they don't hold her responsible for the divorce. I don't see why not. What other explanation is there? Olivia took my mom's place. Of course it's her fault.

I have a horrible relationship with my dad now. He tries to take me out to eat to force interaction and make everything 'the way it used to be'. I have no idea what he means by that, because we haven't been close for a long time. He knows nothing about me, and I wish he would just stop trying. I'm sick of the pointless conversations we have that mostly involve me updating his ten-year-old conceptions of who I am. I've changed, he missed it, and it's not worth my time to give him a breakdown of the last however many years of my life. He should have been there. I shouldn't have to explain.

I don't see Olivia much, so I can't direct any of my anger constructively at her. So my dad gets most of it. It's his fault too, of course, but if Olivia had never become his partner…maybe things would have turned out differently. He never stayed at work so much before she came to SVU. I doubt that the cases all of a sudden became more intense and stayed that way for eight or whatever years. I know there are crime waves, but a decade is too long a period. He wanted to be with her.

Even though I hate her, I have to admit to myself that she didn't make any of this happen on purpose. In fact, I know she fought to keep it from happening. One time after she ate with us, I was talking to Maureen and she said she thought Olivia was in love with our dad. I had been thinking the same thing. You could just tell. I think my mom noticed too, but she probably tried to ignore it. But anyway, that was years ago. If she really was in love with him then, but they didn't act on anything until after my mom left him, then I know she didn't want to break up our family.

But she did. Couldn't she see what her presence did to my mom? I watched my mom worry about my dad night after night, and then he would come home and blow off her questions because he already talked through it all with Olivia. When he was upset he would do the dramatic hugging-all-the-kids thing, and then he would mope until Olivia called. Then he would open up and when he got off the phone, or back from getting coffee, or whatever, he would finally be better.

Little by little, we all lost the power to make him happy. Olivia was the only one with that ability. And I know after she worked her magic, she would send him home to be with us, but I always still resented her for having that effect on him. Maybe if she hadn't been so understanding, he would have _had_ to confide in my mom. There wouldn't have been an alternative. He'd _have_ to work out his problems at home, and face us all, not run away with Olivia so she could fix him and then triumphantly return him. He never let us see past his exterior, so we didn't know him…and she took away our possibility of knowing him.

I'm pretty sure Olivia knows how I feel about her. I've never been one to fake enthusiasm, and my response to seeing her is much colder than Maureen's or Lizzie's or Dickie's. Lots of times, when Olivia sees my interactions with my dad or when I stand off as everyone else is talking excitedly to her, I think she wants to take me aside and talk to me. To make everything better, because that's what she does with the Stablers. She 'fixes' us…but she actually wrecks us. Or at least, she wrecked my mom and me.

Part of me does want to sit down and have it all out with her. I want to yell at her for being there for my dad because it made him not need us anymore, for being the thing that makes my dad keep going back to a job that is tearing him apart, for making him love her…for everything.

And yet, I know she's saved his life over and over. I should be thankful. But I'm not.


	9. Maureen Stabler

Kathleen is one of my best friends, and we talk about everything. Except my dad and Olivia. That's one area where we will never, ever agree, and it's best to not even mention it. We'd just fight about it, and I know nothing she'd say could change my opinion. I won't hate the two of them for falling in love, and she won't forgive them for it.

I wasn't surprised when my mom left my dad. I wasn't even that upset about it. The hardest part was knowing that we wouldn't see him. He wasn't home much anyway, but 'not much' is still a lot more than 'never'.

My dad and I sort of had this thing ever since I was old enough to be out as late as I wanted. We always seemed to get home at the same time, me from a friend's house or whatever and him from work. It was always really late, so everyone else was in bed, but the two of us would have ice cream and just hang out for about an hour. No one else, not even my mom, knew about it. It was just something for my dad and me. It was hard knowing that we would never do that again.

Kathleen blames Olivia for breaking apart my parents' marriage, and for "forcing Dad to care about her." When she said that to me, I couldn't do a thing but stare at her. I tried to explain to her that you can't make anyone care about anyone else, but she wouldn't hear it. The divorce was hardest on her, and she is so completely on my mom's side that she won't hear a word against her.

I'm not saying that kids should pick sides in a divorce, even though sometimes I feel like I'm on my dad's 'side'. In fact, I'd say the parents should do everything they can to make sure the kids _don't_ pick sides. I'm not sure my mom has done that. I think the whole situation hurts her so much that she is dying to legitimize the fact that she left by turning my dad into the bad guy, and Kathleen is buying it.

Kathleen has adopted my mom's attitude toward Olivia. My mom thinks Olivia replaced her…and she did. But I know for a fact that it wasn't her intention. The last thing Olivia wanted was to break up a marriage. You can't help who you love, but you can help what you do about it. She did.

I knew Olivia was in love with my dad for a long time before my parents got divorced. Kathleen and I suspected it for years, but one day I actually got a straight answer from Olivia.

I must have been just recently sixteen, because I remember being so excited that I could just drive to the precinct to visit my dad. He had been saying that it was a pretty slow week, so I swung by to say hi.

He wasn't there when I walked in, but Olivia was sitting at her desk and she waved at me. I went over and sat in my dad's chair, feeling important as I always did when I saw his name on the desk and looked around the room in which my dad was considered to be a hero.

Anyway, Olivia said he had gone out to get some food, and she called him to tell him to pick me up something too. Then we started talking while we waited.

It started out with just normal questions…how school was going, if I had a boyfriend, all that kind of stuff. I mentioned something about my dad, I don't even remember what, and something in Olivia's eyes changed. It was usually impossible for anyone to see any change in Olivia's demeanor, but even I noticed that time.

I have no idea where I got the guts to ask what I did, but the next thing I knew, I was asking Olivia if she was in love with my dad.

She stared at me for so long that I was terrified I had made her mad, and I was in the process of stuttering out an apology when she said, "Maureen."

I just looked at her, my heart pounding as I inwardly cursed myself for being so forward and so inappropriate.

She sighed and closed her eyes for a second. Then she said, "I think you are old enough to understand why you can't say anything about this…to anyone."

I nodded, too shocked at the admission to form a sentence.

She watched me closely. "The last thing I want to do is screw up your family, Maureen. Please know that."

I nodded again. I trusted her. I believed that she didn't want to make things harder for my parents, and for my siblings and me…but I wondered how my dad could possibly not know the truth.

Anyway, at that moment my dad came in. He came straight to me and gave me a big hug, but I saw the huge, steadying breath that Olivia took as she composed herself to act like I hadn't just asked the question that terrified her to death.

It scared her that I figured out the truth. And that's why I know her intentions were never anything but loving. She was perfectly prepared to be secretly in love with my dad for the rest of her life if it meant that our family would stay together. She's sacrifice her happiness for ours.

That's what I can't get Kathleen to understand. She thinks Olivia was out to lay my dad from the beginning and that she didn't give a damn about the consequences. That's pretty much exactly what my mom says, except I don't think she actually believes it. But Kathleen just might.

I can't be mad at either Olivia or my dad. I know they both care about us, all of us, and I know that they are in love. My dad deserves to be happy. I wish we could see him more, but now that we're all older it doesn't make a huge difference anyway. I've never asked him how long he's been in love with Olivia, but I'm sure he was long before my mom left. He stayed for us, so we would have two parents. He was there when I needed him most, and he sacrificed so much for us. Now if what he needs to be happy is Olivia, he has my blessing. And I love Olivia for waiting for him.


	10. Casey Novak

I didn't become a lawyer to make friends; my goal was to take down perps left and right, as many as I could, and screw the social consequences. What I didn't expect was to work with a squad of people so amazing that I could not help but become part of a family, and it would have been absolutely impossible not to be friends with them.

It's sort of ironic that my closest friend is Olivia, considering our relationship was probably the rockiest of them all at first. She pretty much despised me, and I don't really blame her. I know how I acted during that first case…overzealous, bossy, and professional to the point of being a bitch. I'm aware of my tendency to come on really strong, but I sure went overboard. It was because I was so nervous and so unsure of myself…but in any case, Olivia couldn't stand me.

You have to be pretty damn bad for Olivia not to like you. She has a place in her heart for everyone…even me, once I calmed down and we talked a few times. But it's a mark of how out of control I was at the beginning that _Olivia_ hated me. Every time a new person joins the squad, I'm told, Olivia is the first to reach out to them. Everyone in SVU is wary of new blood, including Olivia, but she's best at putting that bitterness behind her when someone rocks the boat. Except when it came to me.

She's admitted to me that the animosity wasn't all my doing, however. She and Alex were such good friends, and Olivia was predisposed to hate whoever took her place. I understand that. I can't even imagine how they were all feeling at that point…especially Olivia and Elliot. Now that I know, along with everyone else, that Alex is alive, the whole subject is less tense. It's still painful because everyone misses her so much, but Olivia and Elliot were under an unbelievable amount of stress when they were the only ones who knew the truth.

Little by little, Olivia accepted me. We opened up to each other about some things so we understood one another better. After the tough start, Olivia was the first member of SVU that I considered to be family.

Our relationship is really like one between sisters. I had a sister until I was sixteen. We were best friends, more than sisters, but then she killed herself. I never forgave myself for it, for not doing something to stop her. I was younger, but I was more in control than her. Night after night, I would stay up with her, talking to her and trying to convince her not to do anything to herself. On good days, she would thank me for caring and tell me that she loved me, but on the bad days she'd kick me out of her room with a venomous expression and leave me to worry all night, jumping at every sound. It was on one of those nights that she finally did it. Whatever words of comfort I tried to give her in the hours leading up to it weren't enough. I let her down, and her death was my punishment.

But I got a second chance with Olivia. I got another older sister, one I could help, and one who could help me. It's such a blessing to get that back. I hadn't realized how much I missed my sister, how much I needed her, until I got another one.

The moment I realized that Olivia was my surrogate sister was right after I finished being a bitch to her one day. I do that sometimes; I just snap and lose it, not able (or willing) to rein myself in. Anyway, I was really harsh…I mean _really_ harsh…but everything was ok. My words didn't put a wall between us, we didn't start avoiding each other and being coldly formal. Nothing changed. That's how it was with my sister. We could say the most horrible things to each other in the heat of the moment, and be completely brutally honest, and nothing ever changed. Our connection ran deeper than words and actions, and as such nothing we said or did could break us apart.

I'm so glad that my goal of being a professional didn't work out. I couldn't handle this job if I was aloof and kept myself away from the detectives. We all need each other for support. Plus, we just have fun together.

Olivia and I have a great time letting loose. We tell each other everything. When she finally slept with Elliot, I was the first person she told. I told her about the feelings I'm harboring for John, the ones I can't define but can't get rid of either.

We also cry together. I'm not one to show my emotions to just anyone, and neither is she, but I'd say she's slightly better at it than me. The point is, it takes a lot of trust on both ends to let yourself go like that, and we have it. We're more than sisters, more than friends, and we started out as nothing less than enemies. The course our relationship took was not what I expected, and the joy of having a sister is not something I ever thought I'd feel again, but I was wrong. Thank God I was wrong.


	11. George Huang

I pity all of the detectives. I have to interview pedophiles and the rest of the offenders, but I rarely see any of the horrors firsthand. I gave up on my high-minded notions of rehabilitation, and I'm a more bitter man than I used to be, but I'm not haunted daily, and nightly, by the bodies of children, of women.

Even though I hurt for all of them, I worry about Olivia the most. That might seem an odd choice…she's the one detective who almost never loses her composure. She has to be the least volatile of them all. Some of that has to do with the fact that women are just hormonally less inclined to be aggressive, but that doesn't account for everything. Even under the most extreme emotional duress, in situations that send everyone else into fits of rage, Olivia is in control of herself.

She cries, of course. They all cry. If any of them didn't, I'd wonder at their capacity for empathy. There's something about their job, however, that makes anger a more constructive response. It can be a better release than sadness. Anger can at least be turned into passion, a drive to catch more offenders and not let the same thing happen again. Sadness is just…sadness.

It scares me, how little Olivia lets her emotions show. None of them are entirely comfortable with it; I have to fight to get them to open up to me. I actually don't have to struggle with Olivia so much. She's broken down in front of me several times. That still doesn't assuage my fears, however. I'd rather see anger in her sometimes. Then I wouldn't think she was so broken.

We haven't discussed her childhood in depth, but I have enough information to know that she is far too normal considering what she went through. It mystifies me how she managed to turn into such a caring, outwardly well-adjusted woman. She should be a wreck after being physically and emotionally abused to the extent that she was.

It sounds so strange to say that her ability to handle stress is a cause of deep concern, but it is. Even after the cases that tear her apart, she is strong enough to support Elliot. Time and time again I've seen her telling_ him_ it will all be ok, listening to him, cleaning him up after he loses his temper and gets hurt in the process. Does anyone ever do the same for her? I'm sure they would, if she displayed the need, and I'm sure they have on the rare occasions that she loses it in their company, but she's so rarely on the receiving end of the comfort.

It's like she's too broken to be angry. Being angry requires more energy than she has. It's easier to sink into despair, losing a little more of yourself every day, than to fight back.

With Olivia, it really is in her eyes that you can see her soul. She's so guarded that it can be hard to see anything but your reflection when you look at her, but when she trusts you enough, you see the truth. You see the bruises her mother left on her face, you see her bones protruding out of her skin after she was abandoned outside for days on end, you see the jagged pieces of her heart. And yet, amazingly, you see hope. You see goodness. It's incredible. How does she still have hope? As broken as she is, how does she still have hope?

When I came to SVU, I received files from their unofficial psychiatrist before me, Audrey. I remember Elliot's, of course, because of his now infamous admission that he dreams about killing the offenders. Audrey noted on John's that he was incredibly sarcastic…to the point that he was impossible to talk to. She registered her worries about Don falling back into alcoholism. But Olivia's is the file that still haunts me.

Audrey said she was very articulate, very calm, and very polite. Most of the detectives were resentful of Audrey's questions and answered defensively, so Olivia's reaction stood out as abnormal. Any psychiatrist would expect reactions like Elliot's and John's, but not Olivia's. That wasn't the warning flag, however. Audrey then wrote that when she asked Olivia what she would do if she could no longer work Special Victims, Olivia was at a complete lost and actually started crying.

Olivia never had any stability in her life. She had no father, she had an abusive mother, she didn't seem to have close friends until she came to SVU. And that's the tragedy. Pondering the possibility of not working for SVU was akin to facing the complete destruction of her life. She had _nothing_ without the job. She had no family, no friends, nothing to live for…and she saw that.

I guess that's where her hope comes from. She wants to help the victims, of course, and the noble goal of making their lives better is enough to live for. But she has more than that. She has a captain who loves her like a daughter, fellow detectives and other coworkers who love her, and, most importantly, Elliot. She's broken, but they are all helping to rebuild her. The cases tear them all apart, but every time they comfort one another, and every time they are comforted, they become a little more whole.

It will be a long process. I don't anticipate that Olivia will be fully 'healed' for many years…if she ever is. All I know is that I can see the progress she's made, and even though it still breaks my heart to see the pain when I look into her eyes, I too have hope. And sometimes it's enough to overcome my worry.


	12. Melinda Warner

I'm constantly shocked that the turnover rate at SVU isn't astronomically higher. The average tour of duty is something like two years. We've all been with the squad so much longer than two years; with Elliot it's hardly worth counting. To put it simply, we've all been here for forever.

I don't know what made us all stick with it past the two year mark, but I know what keeps us here now. Every person is an integral part of the team, and part of the family. It's unimaginable, for me, anyway, not to work with Olivia, Elliot, Fin, and John. I can't even picture it. It's been such a long time. I know the detectives the best, of course, but even Casey and George are part of this unbreakable chain. We belong together.

That connection makes the job easier, but it also makes us do arguably stupid things.

We've all broken rules for each other…and if IAB knew, I doubt one of us would be left. Don often looks the other way when it comes to rules that he finds unimportant compared to the happiness of his team…letting Olivia and Elliot be partners even though they are in love, for example. I know Casey has bent rules to help the detectives live with themselves after particularly hard cases. Rueben Morales helped Olivia illegally hack into the mainframe of that chemical company, and I know Ryan O'Halloran has done some work for the detectives 'off-the-record'.

I'm guilty too. I've done things for all of them that I probably shouldn't have…but it's just because I care about them.

Olivia has most often been the cause of my rule-breaking, but I don't hold it against her. I agree to do things for her; she never forces my hand.

I worry about Olivia. Fin and John are best friends and they always have each other to turn to. I know Olivia and Elliot are also best friends, but Elliot has a family to worry about. He can't be there for Olivia all the time…neither can Casey. Also, Casey is younger than Olivia.

I know the history with Olivia's mother, and for that reason I try to be a sort of mentor for her. I know I'm nothing like a mother-substitute, which is probably best…but if I can provide her with any sort of guidance as an older woman, I'll gladly do it.

When Olivia was worried that she might be HIV positive after one of her old boyfriends turned up in a case, I wanted to be the one to test her. I couldn't stand the thought of her going to a clinic alone, scared, and getting the results from a random person who told hundreds of people their fates everyday…unemotionally. She needed support. She needed someone to help her through the frightening process and be there when she got the final results, whether they were good or bad. I wanted to be that someone, and I was.

The professional transgression that sticks out most in my mind is running Olivia's DNA through the kinship analysis. I never told her that I knew it was her I was checking, and I'm not sure if she ever figured it out.

I knew what she was asking me to do was illegal the second I looked at the DNA. I recognized it as hers even before it came up in the system. She, along with all of the other detectives, have their DNA and fingerprints on file. I truly don't think she expected me to figure it out…in fact she purposefully left me in the dark so I would not be held responsible if the truth came to light…but I did, and I went through with it anyway. I helped her break the law.

I don't regret it.

There aren't many injuries that shock me anymore, but there was this one case that was so violent and so horrible that I actually did have a really hard time doing the autopsy. That's an incredibly rare occurrence for me…as it should be, I guess. Anyway, Olivia happened to come in as I was clearing my head in my office, and she could tell I was upset. She asked me to get a cup of coffee with her, which I gladly did. Anything to get away from the ravaged and mutilated body of that child.

That's when I learned about Olivia's childhood. We talked about pretty much everything that day, from the job to movies to religion, and she admitted to me the abuse she endured. She told me she wanted to be a mother, and she envied me that I felt I could have a kid in spite of the horrors I see every day. She said she didn't think she could balance the job with a family. Everyone in the squad saw how hard it was for Elliot.

She said she was all alone, and she didn't have hope of that ever changing. I tried to convince her otherwise, and I assured her that all of us cared deeply for her, but I couldn't deny that her life was bleak. I could tell, even then, that she was in love with Elliot, but he was still married to Kathy. It did look pretty hopeless.

That's why I couldn't deny her my help when she was looking for her family. Part of me wanted to back out, not out of concern for my job but because I didn't want her to find any more criminals in her family and decide once and for all that her genes predisposed her to violence. That's her greatest struggle- the worry that there's a monster buried inside her, and not far beneath the surface. I didn't want to give her any proof of that, even if it did mean dooming her to be without a family for the rest of her life.

But I couldn't do it. She's a grown woman and she made her decision. I could reject her request because it was illegal, or I could uphold it because I love her.

I did the latter.

I suppose it turned out alright. I hope, anyway, that she is finally convinced that just because her parents were not great people, it doesn't mean she is equally flawed. I hope she can someday see what the rest of us do, and accept that she is a remarkable person with so many people who love her.

For her…for any of them…I'd break the law again.


	13. Dean Porter

I could have killed Dana when she stuck me with some New York cop who I would have to check up on and keep out of trouble. I've dealt with 'big city' cops before…they have a bravado that doesn't mesh well with undercover operations. In the FBI, you have to be able to put your true identity behind you and play whatever part necessary. The second I heard "NYPD" come out of Dana's mouth, I could picture the egotistical gunslinger who would no doubt compromise the mission.

I had such negative feelings about the whole thing that I wouldn't even let myself be impressed when Dana explained to me how this Detective Benson managed to convince so many people that she was an environmentalist, and the girlfriend of such an important guy. I readily admit that's hard to do. But I didn't allow myself to get false hope. Benson would probably still be a pain in my ass, wanting to be a big Manhattan fish in a little Oregon pond.

Well, I won't deny that Olivia Benson was a pain in my ass. I doubt she'd deny it either. She did the job we needed her for, but of course she had to go and take on the police force and then solve a rape case to boot. I wasn't kidding when I asked if she annoyed her partner as much as she annoyed me. There were times I was ready to strangle her. Somehow, she didn't seem to accept that my title and job description trumped hers.

The FBI often has problems with lesser organizations, like police forces, thinking their cases are more important than ours. They are wrong. Their cases aren't even close to being equally important. Compared to national security, a rape case is nothing.

Olivia didn't see that. Or she refused to believe it. Or she acknowledged it, but fought against it anyway. My bet is on the last option. I immediately picked her out as a 'sensitive' soul, one of those people who really believes in justice for the victims and all of that.

I'm the opposite. I was perfectly happy to forget about that girl and her rape, because it wasn't my problem. It wasn't Olivia's problem either, in my opinion, but she made it hers. She couldn't stop herself. She had to help, because she could.

After watching her win that girl's trust and close a rape case and a murder one, however, I was impressed. I finally admitted to myself that Olivia was different, and that I misjudged her. I jumped to conclusions about her because she was NYPD, and it was my loss.

I felt guilty for the heartless way I'd acted about the girl's rape. I'd never felt like that before. I mean, sure, I'm not any happier about rape than anyone…but I'd never let such an insignificant (at least in the area of national security) crime get to me before. My head was filled with terrorist plots and nothing else until Olivia bludgeoned me with her compassionate and gentle nature…an oxymoron if there ever was one, but it's the truth.

How can a woman I've known for so short a time change me more than anyone I've ever met?

I was actually sad to see her go after all of that. That's another thing that was different. You can't get attached to the people you work with because it's always short-term. You can't miss the undercover agents, or be sad when someone is reassigned. You'd constantly be upset, and then you wouldn't be worth anything.

Well, I missed Olivia. I missed someone with the guts to stand up to me. It doesn't happen much.

I was shocked to hear that she was aiding Simon Marsden months later. I couldn't imagine what had changed to make the defender of rape victims send money to a guy who jumped bail on a rape charge. I welcomed the chance to think ill of her again. My head had been filled with thoughts of Olivia Benson ever since she left, and it was distracting as hell.

When I got the truth, though, I guess I wasn't really surprised. I mean, I was shocked that he was her half-brother and all of that, but I never really thought she would help a suspected perp. Nothing could change that much. I knew there had to be mitigating circumstances. I just never imagined they would be so…complicated.

I felt so horrible for her when she told me about her father and what he did. It all finally made sense to me. Her dedication to her job, her ability to get rape victims to open up to her…it all fit. She was damaged and dealing with her own problems by fixing those of other people.

I finally got the explanation for her passion, and it only made me care about her more. I'm breaking every rule in the book, I'm sure…but I can't help it. I'm in love with Olivia Benson.

It's a good thing I don't work with her all the time. When we were dealing with Marsden and the police captain, I was so terrified for Olivia that I could hardly do my job. I should have been thinking about the case, but all I could think about was getting Olivia out of there alive. When she was almost run over by that car, I felt fear as I never had before. It was completely unprofessional, and all personal. I didn't want the woman I was working with to be ok; I wanted Olivia Benson to be ok, and I knew I would never forgive myself if she wasn't. That's not a good way for an FBI agent to think.

She never told me anything concretely, but I get the feeling Olivia and her partner are more than they appear. Part of me is jealous, but mostly, I guess, I just feel for them. If they are together, I can't imagine how much stress they are under. I worked one case with them, and the second Olivia's life was in danger I could hardly handle it. Poor Elliot. He must feel like he's having a perpetual heart attack.

If they're not together…well, I don't know. I hope I run into Olivia more in the future. She changed me for the better, so quickly, and this feeling inside me is growing stronger every day. I never expected to fall in love with anyone, much less the cop I fully expected to despise.

I guess I won't kill Dana just yet.


	14. Simon Marsden

I've always heard the stories about long-lost twins, separated at birth, and how they find each other and feel this immediate connection, like they always knew they had another half out there somewhere. I always thought the stories were just fillers on slow news days.

Well, Olivia and I aren't twins…but I'm still a believer. There was always this…something…inside me. I knew someone was missing. Actually, for a long time I wondered if my mom had a miscarriage or something and they never told me, afraid of scaring me or making me sad. I thought maybe I was adopted and I was missing my real family. For whatever reason, the one scenario that never crossed my mind was having a half-sibling out there somewhere.

I don't know why I never considered that to be a possibility. I mean, I knew my dad wasn't a saint…my mom wasn't the first person he had sex with. I just assumed, I guess, that if that was the case, they would have told me. I didn't see the stigma of a child outside of wedlock to be that dire or anything.

Little did I know…I mean, no wonder he never told me anything. He raped a woman, and she had Olivia.

Part of me still can't believe it. More than part of me, really. How is it possible to know someone your whole life and not see that…evil? I feel like you can't…so does that mean he didn't really rape her? What else could have happened? It's all so confusing. Olivia and I have such conflicting views of our father. I can't fully believe that he was a rapist, but she was told for her entire childhood that he was. She hasn't really told me anything about her mom, but why would a mother lie about that for so many years?

Whatever the truth behind it all is, when I found out who Olivia was, I finally felt whole. It was also somehow good to know that I wasn't crazy; that the feeling of incompleteness I've always had wasn't just in my head. There really was someone out there, connected to me. I could feel it.

It's amazing how fast we got into the brother-sister thing. It makes me think that maybe she could sense me when she was growing up too. I know that she didn't believe in my innocence for a while, and I can't blame her. The evidence was there. She's seen enough rape cases to put her trust in the forensics. What else could she do?

She seesawed a lot. One minute she was on my side and the next she was against me. All I can say is that she must be a really conflicted person. I don't know enough about her, I guess…but I can tell she's not happy. She's all alone.

I took advantage of that. I didn't do it maliciously…it's just that I needed help. I knew I was being framed, and who better than my cop sister to help me? I know she put her job on the line for me, which is pretty extreme considering how long we've known each other. But I needed my big sister.

I'm so happy that I was finally cleared. I couldn't stand the thought that Olivia had found me and I gained her trust only to have her hate me because I was like him. I had no idea someone who barely knows you can break your heart. I didn't want her to hate me because of him. I didn't want to prove to her that raping runs in families. I could tell that was her biggest fear when she told me to admit that I'm a rapist, just like my father. The way she said it…the look in her eyes…she was talking to herself as much as me. I realized she had been struggling with the thought of genetic violence for her whole life.

I don't know where we go from here. I mean, how do you make up for thirty years? I don't know much of anything about her life, and looking at yearbooks can only show you a little. Do we just sit down and start at day one? Or do we just start from where we are and forget about all the years we didn't know each other?

I waited my whole life for this to happen. I always wanted a sister, and now I have one, but it's way more complicated than I ever expected. I hate that the experience of meeting me will always be wrapped up in a rape case for her. Maybe she won't see a rapist when she looks at me, but she'll remember Julia, and the whole horrible situation. That's not the start to our relationship I would have chosen…but I guess it's what we're stuck with.

I don't think it will wreck what little we have, though. I waited my whole life for this and Olivia, in a different way, has too. I'm not letting go of my sister.


	15. Elliot Stabler

There's this line from a book Maureen really likes that says, "Never till this moment, in my home, beside my dear wife, have I felt so strongly that there might be a God, and he might be good."

Well, there are obvious differences between that quote and my relationship with Olivia, but I still think of her whenever I see it. She is not my wife, at least not yet. Basically, replace the words "might be" with "is", and it's perfect. I know God brought Olivia into my life to save me from myself. She's everything I need and everything I want. It's too perfect not to be the result of divine intervention.

I loved Olivia from the beginning of our partnership. There was an immediate sense of trust and safety, and I knew I could tell her anything and she would understand. I've never gotten so close to someone so fast in my entire life. It took me years of knowing Kathy before I told her certain things about me, and I still have secrets from her.

After only a year of knowing Olivia, we had no secrets. We knew absolutely everything about each other.

I will never forget the day Olivia told me about her history. We were sitting by a pond in Central Park after a long day at work. We were both exhausted but neither of us wanted to go home. Olivia didn't want to go because there wasn't anyone waiting for her, and I didn't want to go because there were people waiting for me. I didn't want to talk about the case but I didn't think I _could_ talk about anything so meaningless as the weekend or movies.

Anyway, Olivia and I were watching the sun set and we ended up on the subject of her childhood. She looked at me for almost a minute, studying me, but I wasn't uncomfortable. I was just waiting.

Finally she said, "I've never really told anyone this, Elliot."

I nodded, unsure of what to say, but I said, "You can tell me anything."

"I know," she said, and she took a deep breath.

Well, she did tell me everything. She talked for well over an hour; the sun had long since disappeared by the time she finished. She told me about her father and what he did, her mother and how she responded. I could not stop tears from forming when she described all the abuse her mother inflicted on her, all the times she beat her and left her without food and shelter.

She described herself as a teenager, telling me about the many older boyfriends she had just to get out of the house, her brief engagement when she was sixteen…everything. My heart ached for her, and I was concerned about how the cases we dealt with would affect her. I mean, some of the child abuse victims might as well have been named Olivia Benson for all the similarities to what she endured.

After she finished, I didn't know what to say so I just took her hand in mine and I kissed it. She looked at me, completely surprised but not upset. She smiled and understanding passed between us. We both knew we were in love. But I was married.

I don't know how we managed to stay strong. I was tempted every day to cheat on my wife, to act on my love for Olivia, but I never did. We weren't completely innocent…I admit we were more than innocently physical at times, but it never progressed very far. I wouldn't let it but, more amazingly, she wouldn't let it. Olivia always put my family first.

We've had our problems. We fight. A lot. It's impossible not to in this job. Olivia always sides with the victim and takes it personally if any of us doubt his or her account. She sees her mother in every vic, and the idea that anyone would lie about being raped is too much for her to handle. She's yelled at me a fair number of times, asking me whose side I'm on.

I'm on her side. Always hers.

If I'd left her alone all the times she's told me to get out of her life, our relationship would have been a very short one. It always hurts when she gets that angry at me and rejects me, but I never doubt that she loves me. She's picked up the broken pieces of my composure and sanity enough times that I know she'll never leave me, and she knows it too. We're in this for the long haul, and nothing can change that.

The first time we made love was incredible. I love Olivia for so many reasons other than her beauty, but anyone with eyes can see that she is drop-dead gorgeous. I wanted it more than anything, but I was also nervous as hell. I only ever had sex with Kathy, and Olivia…well, she lived a little more than me. That was sort of hard to accept. Every time I found out that she had slept with her new boyfriend, a piece of my heart broke off. When I asked her about sleeping with Cassidy, we both knew I had personal interest in the whole matter.

I'm not at all condemning her for not waiting for me; I mean, hell, I was having sex with Kathy even though I loved Olivia. I just worried about her. I wanted her boyfriends to treat her right, and I didn't want them to hurt her. Olivia's been hurt too much. I knew she could take care of herself, but I could never stop worrying.

When we made love, I told her how amazing it was and she said it had never been better for her either because it wasn't just meaningless sex; it was a real connection. I could have stayed there, my arms wrapped around her, for the rest of my life but, unfortunately, we had to go to work.

I'm always scared for Olivia. I'm concerned about her physical safety, obviously, but I also worry about her when it comes to cases. She's so strong…too strong. She got used to keeping all of her pain to herself; she had about thirty years of practice when no one really gave a damn. Sometimes I can hardly bear to look into her eyes because I can see the hurt so clearly etched there, all the scars that remain hidden to most of the world.

I just want to protect her. I want to shield her from the world and transfer all her pain to me, but I know I can't. She wouldn't let me even if I could, because she wouldn't want me to deal with all the pain either. We both selfishly, lovingly, want the other's every ache with no thought of what it would do to us.

"Greater love has no man than this, that he would lay down his life for his friends." I'd lay down my happiness for Olivia, I'd give her anything and everything I could, I'd meld my broken body and soul with hers, I'd sacrifice my life without a question. How could I not believe in God when I have this miracle in my arms?


	16. Olivia Benson

I truly believe that if you were to break me down into a list of adjectives, I could explain to you exactly who made me the way that I am. It's so clear to me…I often wonder if everyone else feels the same way. I sort of expect that they don't, or at least that it isn't quite so obvious to them.

It would be easy to hate myself because my mother, the first person I ever knew and the one who shaped me for much of my life, ingrained a certain self-doubt and guilt in me. My insecurities, my demons…I know I acquired them during my childhood. It's indescribably painful to grow up with a mother who can hardly look at you.

She didn't explain it all to me until I asked her. I remember that I was about four and my mother had just come into the house, smelling of smoke and alcohol. I knew, even at that young age, what a bar was. I recognized that my mother was drunk.

I went into her room and asked her why she always left me and what I did wrong. She stared at me for a full five minutes, her eyes red, bloodshot, and unfocused. Finally she said, "An evil man hurt me and gave you to me so I would never forget how much I wanted to die that night."

I looked back at her, tears forming in my eyes. "I…I make you want to die?" I asked shakily. I felt like someone was stabbing my heart and twisting.

She regarded me for a few seconds before she said in a voice that gave me chills, "Yes." She fell onto her back on her bed, pulling a bottle of vodka out of a cabinet. "Now get out."

That's when I started to hate myself. It wasn't until later that I started to hate her too…but it was never as severe a hatred as that which I reserved for myself. I loved her, always, but I never loved myself.

I became withdrawn. Depressed. Promiscuous.

Sex was a distraction. It was an excuse to get out of the house, it was a way to have a connection, however shallow, with someone. It was a chance to replace the pain with pleasure, if only for a night.

I wasn't smart about it. I would sleep with guys I didn't know, and we weren't even always safe. One time I was late and I was absolutely terrified that I was pregnant.

When people hear the words 'pregnancy scare', they assume you didn't want to have kids because you were too young. That was not my reasoning, and my fear had nothing to do with the knowledge that children force you to change your lifestyle. I wasn't concerned that my party days were over, that my freedom was about to be taken from me.

I didn't trust myself to be different from my mother.

I want kids…God, do I want kids. I always have. But at that point in my life, I had never seen a good mother. I had no idea what mothers were supposed to do and I was so scared that I would be just like her. What if I hated my child? What if he or she hated me? What if I would just be perpetuating a bloodline that should not be allowed to continue, what if I was helping to set a cycle of abuse and neglect into motion?

I couldn't bear the thought.

Most of the words that describe my life pre-SVU are dark and ominous, but I know that's changed. I have been surrounded by amazing people since I joined the squad, and they turned my life around. I would have been a cop without ever knowing any of them, but I would still be as afraid and unsure as I was when I was growing up. It had to change, and it did, with their help.

Now fear is not stopping me from having kids. I guess timing is the major issue right now, but I'm still holding on to the hope that I will give Elliot more kids (like he needs them, right?) and be there for them, loving them unconditionally.

Melinda and, oddly enough, Kathy, have shown me so much about being mothers. They give me hope. Melinda is so amazing and cares so deeply for her family, but she still finds it in her to love me and help me. I know Kathy isn't a perfect mother…not that anyone is…but she still makes me optimistic. She proved to me that no one is perfect and if I make mistakes with my kids, it's not the end of the world. All that matters is that you try and be the kind of parent you wish you'd had.

I guess hopeful is the way I'd describe myself now. I have so many people who care about me…more than I ever dared to imagine. Casey is the best friend I could ask for. I never had a lot of friends growing up, especially not girls. I mostly had acquaintances with benefits…I didn't know what I was missing. Casey doesn't judge me for my past, and she always listens to me when I have to vent or cry or laugh.

Cragen has cared for me and looked out for me like a father, and John, Fin, and Dean are brothers. Plus now I have my real brother. My life has never been so promising.

And then there's Elliot. God, I can't even begin to describe all the aspects of my being that are his doing.

He doesn't hold my past against me either. It would be understandable for him to throw the fact that I've slept with more guys than I can name in my face, but he doesn't. He's told me it saddens him, but there's no anger. He accepts me, and I welcome his disappointment that I experienced so many men before him. He's the first person to care. None of them ever did. They all knew I wasn't a one guy person, but they didn't give a damn because if all you want is sex, why the hell would anything about the other person matter? Elliot cares because he loves me. Me. It hurts him that I hurt so much, enough to seek comfort in meaningless flings, and he wants to take all the hurt away. And he is.

The past isn't erased; it never is. I still feel guilty about the circumstances of my conception, and I anticipate that I always will. I still doubt myself. There are days that the job becomes too much and I just want to give up and all the old descriptors start flashing in my head.

But then John makes some random, hilarious comment and Fin jokingly puts him down…or Melinda and I have a talk, or Cragen says something that makes it so clear that he cares about me, or Casey and I have dinner and hang out for hours…or Elliot and I make love under the stars. I'm safe again.

* * *

A/N: The end! I hope you guys liked it! As always, I'd appreciate your feedback. Thanks for reading! 


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